Written in June, 2026

 

Hi there! I know this is a bit late, but oh well.

Just a little update on things bouncing around in my head the last few months. There are some summaries and then also some thoughts and observations I’ve had as different things have surfaced.

I’ve had a pretty difficult 8 months. “Uncertainty” and “Unmoored” and a “deep internal reorganization” would about sum it up.

Seasons 

Externally, spring life is awakening and I must take care of some regular life activities. Much of the time I feel that my nervous system is still wanting to rest in the season of winter. Sometimes, I feel that I am ready to move forward with certain plans, projects, and creating. I’m going back and forth between the two. As if I cannot quite accept either one, or one just does not feel quite right. More and more layers of polarizations are showing up in my life.

  • Should I just totally stop and rest? Should I just continue as usual with my life activities? How will I know if I am going slow enough? When will I know I am ready to go back into life more fully?
  • How do I know I am not forcing my life through “shoulds” or fear-based choices and actually creating a life with some healthy “wants” led from SELF?

I’ve been learning about following and trusting the natural seasons of life. Just like the world goes through seasons of change, our nervous system/emotional system/relational system goes through natural cycles and rhythms. I’ve been learning about the phase or season of liminality, this in-between state, when old patterns drop away, but the new things have not yet arrived. Also the season of uncertainty.

  • How can I be okay (sort of) with not being okay? How can I rest when nothing feels right, and nothing feels sure?
  • What do I do when it feels like I am getting nowhere? When it feels like there is never enough support? When the never-ending cycles and loops from attachment wounds, traumas, physical illness, nervous system dysregulation, and a different way of viewing the world than others makes it feel like true balance can never be found?
  • What happens when I let most of my old relationships fade away? Do I need to actively build new ones? How do I find new ones especially with neurodivergence? How hard do I need to try?
  • How do I find a supportive community with shared values?

I’m realizing that many of us are very alone and do have to find our own way. People that say they will be there for you are not, or they have no clue what that really means.

  • Although this isn’t fair and isn’t right, how can we grow? When we have no choice but going it alone and figuring it out ourselves? Can we see it as an opportunity for growth? Not that it is necessarily “okay”, but we are here in it. So what kind of strength can I build from the isolation? Can I face the pain alone?
Impulses

I have more thoughts and desires of wanting to have ownership. A house. A piece of land. A pet. Having something that is mine. That I can see I’ve taken care of. Built, created, made my own.

Neurodivergence and Physical

I’m observing and learning about my own sensitivities and sensory needs. Also expressing some boundaries around what I want or need with some people, starting with family and close friends. Sometimes I surprise myself by speaking up, and wonder “Where did those words come from?”

I’m seeing much more clearly the difficulties I have with social settings and the massive energy drain that they are for me. I also am connecting my past experiences together, as I now have a better explanation for what has added to my life being such a struggle.

I started telling a few people what I have been struggling with and seeing how they react. Some have been supportive. Some have not. Most don’t really understand or try to understand.

I’ve made some new neurodivergent friends and am spending time connecting with them. One shared the idea of dandelions vs orchids. What if neurodivergent people are just sensitive people with a helpful role in society? What if there have always been these sensitive people since time began, but the modern-day toxicity and hectic pace of the world can make these people severely limited and impaired?

I’ve been experimenting with dairy, calcium, copper, for overall health, and also fermented foods for my gut health. I’ve seen some positive changes in regards to greatly reduced seasonal allergies and also skin issues/hives. But also negative reactions of bloating, fatigue, my nervous system feeling revved up, worse sleep, etc. The lack of a clear and balanced framework or support in the world in regards to nutrition, especially for hypersensitive individuals is very frustrating. 

  • Will I ever be able to be as social as I was before? What would a life look like that is more in balance? How do I create an environment that is supportive for autism when the world is built for non-autistic individuals?
  • How much of neurodivergence is really a difference in wiring vs just an overall sensitivity in the body and the resulting gut, brain, pain, and other symptoms from a very toxic world?
  • What if I wake up one day and I can’t get out of bed? What if my body says no more for good?
  • What if I can never get out of fatigue and PEM and get the physical capacity back I had before? Can i be accepting of that? Can I allow that?
  • Am I really going through a burnout period? I don’t know. If I am, why do I feel better and like taking on more projects after I change my diet? How much is really my nervous system, and how much is my diet?
Emotional System

I’ve had a few partial days the last few months where I’ve had some suicidal thoughts come up. Most seem connected with a deep sense of exhaustion or discouragement in navigating changes in my life, and often needing to do it alone. Also experimenting with a few minerals that seem to disrupt my sleep and lead to extreme fatigue seemed to get me to that place as well. It’s been a long time since I had these thoughts to this extent and it feels so all-consuming when I’m in the middle of it.

  • Am I regressing?
  • What’s the point of doing all this work if I still feel so confused, exhausted, overwhelmed, and a few notches above suicidal like this sometimes?
IFS System

I have awareness with a part that was a deep and expansive void protecting and pointing toward an exile. I’ve been visiting this exile who has been one of the most guarded and protected of anything I have found yet. I am also seeing another part represented by a flame of anger that tags alongside of me almost all the time. He is angry and critical of the rest of the system. He wants to burn them all down. He is also this archetype of a warrior, fighting against huge odds which seem impossible. This parallels my own lived experiences throughout much of my life.

I’m trying to do the best I can to “trust the process” of healing and growth through the difficult and slow and messy times. Honestly, sometimes, I have my doubts.

TRE and EP

I continue to make contact with a lot of grief. Lots and lots and lots of grief and sadness over losses. Losses from the past. Losses from now. Things I hoped for in the future, that are most likely not within my true capacity.

Starting to feel more into anger. And then anger and grief back and forth at the same time which has been a new experience.

I have found pandiculation helpful in expanding my TRE practice and opening up into emotions during TRE. I am also starting to bring in active movement such as voluntary pushing into TRE occasionally.

Spiritual

I’ve been learning a little bit about the concept of nonduality and so far see it as a clever myth. It seems illogical, vague, harmful and not supporting of healing.

I’ve seen how God has helped support me in different ways as I’ve needed it. Nobody else did or could, but God always did, almost always in ways I was not expecting or not what I would consider as typical.

Mountain and Meadow Health

I’ve started some organizing, outlining, and writing for some paid articles and paid course material. I don’t like the pressure of a subscription model, so I am working on a simple membership built into my own site as a paywall for certain articles. I hope it will happen, but not sure yet. I don’t like seeing or hearing myself, and it seems that videos will be necessary. Plus, at my current rate by myself, it will take me years to finish, haha.

Articles for You to Check Out
What About You?

How was your winter? How was your spring? What have you been going through the last few month? Feel free to share in the comments in Substack or drop me an email.

Take care,

Evan

 

*Notice: I’m glad to provide these resources to empower your personal health journey, not as a substitute for professional medical care. While I encourage sharing links, please respect the intellectual property of Mountain and Meadow Health, LLC. You are responsible for your own health outcomes. Consult with your trusted health advocates before making significant changes. Contact Evan Ritter for professional licensing.”

Photo Credit: johannes-plenio-unsplash

Similar Posts